From The New Yorker: Your New Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System

Some excerpts from Riane Konc’s inspired recent contribution to The New Yorker’s Daily Shout’s column, […]

David Zahl / 6.27.19

Some excerpts from Riane Konc’s inspired recent contribution to The New Yorker’s Daily Shout’s column, ht SB:

Hello, and thank you for your recent purchase of a Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System. The Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System is one of the most popular products on the market, with forty million customers in the United States alone…

To get started, simply install Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System sensors on your front door, and then on your bedroom door, and then on the kitchen door, and then on the bathroom door, and then on the closet doors, and then maybe put another one on your bedroom door, just to be safe. You can never be too safe! You can also never be truly safe…

Our SureSafe technology insures that you cannot turn the Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System off, no matter how hard you try. In fact, the harder you try to turn it off, the harder our Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System works! That’s the Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System guarantee…

You’ll be happy to know that the Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System now comes with EarlyAlert, a feature that alerts you of dangers before the Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System has even identified what those dangers are… If you have a nagging feeling that something is wrong, but you can’t figure out what it is, and that somehow makes it worse—that just means that EarlyAlert is working.

Your Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System also includes patented 2-A.M.-alert technology, which rouses clients in the middle of the night to warn them of potential dangers, such as:

  • Did you talk too much at Casey’s party? Did you talk too little at brunch?…
  • In kindergarten, you were accused of peeing your pants, even though you hadn’t. Is it too late to contact your entire class and set the record straight?…
  • Do all of your friends have a separate group text where they talk about all the dumb things you say in the original group text?
  • Would it be worse for you to get Alzheimer’s disease, or for your spouse to get Alzheimer’s disease? You must decide immediately.
  • You have a meeting six weeks from now. What are all the ways it could go wrong?
  • In the fourth grade, you cut in front of Max M. in the pencil-sharpening line. Is he still mad at you?
  • Have you done enough to prepare for the inevitable deaths of every person you love?

Click here to read the whole thing.